Dreams Regrets and Gratefulness

I frequently dreamed about things in my past – the old version of our house and being in college. More often than not, the dreams about being in college were enrollment scenes, or me missing classes, or having a hard time looking for a classroom. I don’t remember though, if in those dreams, I looked younger, or if I was wearing my old clothes. But I am sure that they didn’t​ happen in real life. My guess for the dreams is the unresolved feelings I have about my past. 

I prayed to the Lord about it. I said sorry that I didn’t​ give my best when I was still studying. I was sorry for my wrong priorities. I was sorry for not listening to my parents when they told me to focus on my studies. I could have graduated with flying colors. I could have done more productive things on my spare time. I could have developed more meaningful friendships.

To live with no regrets is easier said than done. Regretting is good if it gets us praying like what happened to me. It’s always a very nice feeling to be able to release our burdens to our God. As I was broken before the Lord, He comforted me and opened my mind. He led me past my regrets and let me see where He was all the while when I was being a mediocre college student swearing by cramming was the best way to go. He let me realize the many times He was my Strength, my Redeemer, my Holy God who showed me mercy, and my loving Father who gave me so much grace. 

So my prayer didn’t just end in my list of could-haves. He lifted my spirit up, and I began thanking Him for: the opportunity to study in and graduate from a great university, enabling me to complete my program even though my focus was amiss, the considerate professors, the friends who helped me get good internships, His protection during the many late night walking around campus, the church mates I got to know and who still inspire me up to this day, and the joy I saw in my parents eyes on my graduation day. 

Oh Lord, there are many things to thank You for. Help us lift everything up to You. 😘

Dreams Regrets and Gratefulness

Celebral Palsy 

I was nine when he came into our lives. He got that fair complexion that we, the older siblings, wished for ourselves. We thought he was the most good looking among us and our emotions were mixed. Gadiel never understood that we were sort of envious that he got genes mostly from Mom (peace, Pops). He never had the chance to brag and kid us that our skin was darker or that our noses were the common ones among Pinoys. 

Celebral? Cerebral? It was a struggle to get the word right everytime I tried to mention it to my friends. I found it confusing in my teen years and letters L and R make me stammer. Friends came over our house and I was hesitant to introduce Gadiel to them not because I was ashamed of my brother’s condition. I was ashamed that they would see that I was not a very good sister.

I thank God that our parents made sure that we siblings took our turns caring for Gadiel when he was still a baby. Somehow, I feel vindicated that I did some of my responsibilities. But it pains me knowing that when we got older, I should still have taken good care of him. Fed him, gave him water to drink, helped him sit for a short while and probably sat next to him while he tried to enjoy whatever TV show was on. I should have tried to communicate with him even when he could not say a word or move his facial muscles or his arms and hands. I do not remember having told him, “I love you, baby brother.” I HOPE I DID.

When I learned the news of his going home to heaven, one of my first reactions was to ask God for his forgiveness. I felt guilty and beyond sad as a sibling and as a daughter to parents who lost another child. God has a good reason why He took Gadiel back in 2016. Same as, He had a good reason for giving Gadiel to our family in 1996. And just like what Pastor Don said in one of the services, through Gadiel’s life, we learned how to say thank you to God for each moment that he smiled and laughed. We learned to pray and believe for healing. And, we learned to be compassionate with children or families who have the same situation.  

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Lord, I believe that Gadiel is up there in the heavens with You. And now, he lacks nothing. He doesn’t need to ask You for anything. He sits, stands, walks, jumps for joy, overwhelmed in Your glorious presence. He praises and worships you with his words and songs. He is mindful of You as You are of him. Thank you, Lord. We choose to glorify You even in mourning. Thank You for healing our hearts and souls. In Jesus’ name we believe. Amen. 

Celebral Palsy